reflections of a wanderer's heart.

i've moved.

2010-05-15T14:12:00.000-07:00

blogger, you've been good to me...

but i've found a slightly more permanent home in wordpress.

if anyone ever happens to read this thing...

check me out here instead.

xoxo.

brother.

2010-03-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

he is home now, and it makes me happier than anyone can possibly understand. i dream big dreams for this man. [it's so weird thinking of my little brother as a man...but he is. or he is becoming. and i dream big things for him because i love him more than my little heart can possibly stand sometimes]. that said, the most important man in my life is back in the D for the summer and it makes me soooo happy.

kory, your life is filled with endless possibilities. never never never never give up.

xoxo.

you know, the usual.

2009-12-10T18:14:00.000-08:00

it's that time of the year again,
in which i stress myself out to the point of a near-panic attack
worrying about things that don't matter
[at least...they don't matter yet].

having signed up today for classes for next semester
at the local community college,
i could hear the proverbial clock ticking in my ear
with the inevitable
"you don't know what you'll possibly major in,
and you don't know where you'll get your degree from"
which then turns into
WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??!

what follows is several hours of blurry-eyed staring at the computer screen
researching majors
and universities
and possible career options.
it's absolutely ridiculous.

i will then neglect aforementioned stressed-out researching
until the next time i am inevitably faced with the potential to make a large decision--
read: beginning of the next semester.
at that point i will realize that i am moving forward,
but in which direction i have no idea...
...thus jumpstarting another freakout moment
much like the one i find myself in today.

on one hand, i completely trust that everything will kind of fall together,
but God is good,
and He's a big God...and He knows better the desires of my heart
[not to mention the things He's created me for!]
than i do, so really...He'll lead me in the direction He has for me.
on the other hand, i really really like specifics.
like, i really like specifics.
and my current place in life
has no specifics
other than:
-Jesus
-work
-pseudo-college student

do i need more detail than that?
probably not.
do i want more detail than that?

ohhhhhhhh my goshhhhhhh
yes.
YES!
ughhhga sgbwgw tlkhbalg.ww.

well.
glad i got that out of my system.

xoxo.

doubt.

2009-11-08T10:16:00.001-08:00

Doubt, indeed, is the disease of this inquisitive, restless age. It is the price we pay for our advanced intelligence and civilization. It is the dim night of our resplendent day. But as the most beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith which springs from conflict is often the strongest and the best.

--Robert Turnbull, Life Pictures from a Pastor's Notebook (1857)

but what about tomorrow?

2009-10-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

i have been downing orange juice like it's going out of style.
don't get me wrong--
i like the taste of the stuff,
but it's more because i can feel my body wanting to revolt against me,
and it's simmering just under the surface.
[i can feel it! ah!]
with a not-quite stuffy nose
and waking up feeling slightly achy the past few mornings,
i'm attempting to stave off a cold before it can get the better of me--
this means orange juice, emergen-c and lots of chicken noodle soup.
yes, before i'm REALLY sick.
i'm pro-active!
haha.

bah.

the leaves are really starting to fall now, and it makes me sad.
the colors have been great lately,
and had the weather been more cooperative,
i can only imagine that i'd have incredible photos to show for it...
but alas,
it has been gray and dreary and rainy,
which does not equal optimal picture-taking weather.
[but the contrast of gray fall clouds against brilliant yellow trees is striking! promise.]
but falling leaves means soon there will be bare trees...
and it's just sad.
i'm not a huge fan of winter,
only because it lasts so long.
winter is beautiful in its own right,
but in michigan they just last sooooo loooonnngggg.

AND there were the beginnings of Christmas decorations up in target today.
for real?
can't we just BE in the season we're in, right now?
live NOW?

haha, i say that like i live in the here and now.
[false!]
but i'm learning!
i'm learning patience.
and hard work.
annnnnd i have muchos thoughts on patience,
that i'm hoping to type all out later.
for now:

"we have only to be patient, to pray, and to do His will, according to our present light and strength, and the growth of the soul will go on. the plant grows in the mist and under clouds as truly as under sunshine; so does the heavenly principle within. "
-william ellery channing

xoxo.

so long, summer.

2009-10-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

a photographic journey through the warmer michigan months of 2009 [also known as summer] :

zoo days. favorite places. days just warm enough to be enjoyable, but cool enough for a hoodie.

sloppy puppy kisses and muddy paw prints.

best friends. memories. new seasons of life. gallons and gallons of paint. pictures taken on a roof at night that we'll never show anyone, ever.

sunlight reflecting off of amsterdam canals. bikes (lots of them).

falling in love. [with a country and a people, not a person]

new life, learning lessons, growing up.

summer storms. thunder. lightning.

blue angels. adrenaline rushes. screaming and laughing and jet engines drowning it all out.

relay-ing for life. celebrating with those who have been victorious; remembering those gone before us.
hope. believing better things for detroit. fighting, struggling, wrestling with things bigger than us, but believing in One bigger than it all.new car. made-in-michigan-and-unbelievably-proud-of-it-car. first major financial purchase...realizing i just may be an adult, for real.

SUN. swimming pools. bathing suits, radio, sweet tea. eating outdoors, barbecue, hamburgers for dinner every other day.

ROMA. impossible to write about in less than one thousand million words.sunrise over kuwait. american soldiers--faces and names and blood in their veins, and not just a statistic or a news report but PEOPLE with stories and pasts and presents and futures.hundreds of hours in airplanes and airports. city after city after city; pack, unpack. pack, unpack.germany. solitude. learning to SEE when i take a picture. [and not just take pictures to take pictures]. 23 years on earth, hallelujah thank you Jesus.

car rides. family time. dad saying innappropriate things, only to be countered by an even more innappropriate brother. ghetto rap music. family sing-a-longs to all things journey.

brother/sister. laughing laughing laaaauggghhhinnnggg. long talks. meijer runs at 2 am. drama. we're never short of drama.

the upper peninsula. dipping toes in lake superior. seeing all five great lakes [check that off the bucket list. check.] smoothies at a hole-in-the-wall coffee shop that'll change your life.

this doesn't even need explanation.

so long, summer--
until we meet again.

xoxo.

fragmented thoughts.

2009-10-07T20:52:00.001-07:00

fall has come to michigan!
hello hello, loving it.
well...not so much loving the seemingly unstoppable rain,
or the threatening gray clouds that mean
6 months of dreariness...
but for now,
i'm loving colder weather
[hello hoodies! and scarves and sweaters]
and warm tea and hot apple cider,
and changing leaves and wonderrrr.

i love michigan.
and i guess to people that aren't from michigan,
it makes absolutely no sense,
especially because in MOST people's opinions
michigan = detroit.
and let's be real, detroit has a not-so-stellar track record in the public eye,
accompanied by a pretty nasty reputation
[that, frankly, it lives up to. often.]
but i love it still.

thinking it all through the other day,
if it's true that i was born into THIS specific time in history
in THIS specific locale in the world
[down to the last number in my zip code!]
it then remains true
that there must be something about the now
and something about the here
that i'm supposed to learn from.

so i've been spending time thinking that through,
especially in a political and economic climate that screams for me
to abandon the D
and to move somewhere that makes more "sense"
[whatever that even means]
but i can't.
and i don't know if it's because it's "comfortable" and i've grown complacent
or what have you
or if it's because my heart is still here
and i still have things to learn...
but you'd better believe my near-obsessive tendency to
analyze, to sort, to glean something from where i am and what i'm doing
will at some point result in some knowledge and wisdom
[please Lord!].

fall is here!
and homework and loveliness.
i've spent time recently in borders
[shoutout to businesses founded in the metro-detroit area!]
drinking my hazelnut toffee mocha coffeecoffeecoffeeeee
and listening to soundtracks while i write papers
and take notes
and do schoolwork.
surrounded by BOOKS
which make me feel alive.

you don't have to get it.
but it's the honest truth.

fall is here.
seasons are channnggginnngggg.
can you feel it?

xoxo.

in the beginning.

2009-09-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

the hardest part in writing anything
is the beginning.

you'd think it would be easy to place the words down on paper,
as though the blank screen
and the blinking cursor would initiate the ambition necessary to begin.
but alas,
i find beginning to be the most daunting task of all,
much like the first step towards anything
[recovery. destiny. anything.]
is often times the heaviest and most difficult.

words are heavy, words are important.
whether written or spoken...
there is tremendous responsibility to be had
in every thought, every word, every letter.

it was with words that God created the heavens and the earth.
i'm positive that if i were able to see the ramifications of my words...
i would rethink things.
knowing Adam&Eve would sin
knowing we would turn to false idols
knowing He would sacrifice His Son for a world
that would continue to deny Him...

"Let there be light."

and everything fell into motion.

----------

at the beginning of this month
i had the honor and privilege to work a military charter.
taking the men&women of the US Army
to war.
and then working the first leg
on the much-deserved journeys home.

at one point on our leg into the middle east,
i looked out at hundreds of soldiers
and was struck at their humanity.

suddenly these weren't statistics,
they weren't pictures on the news or the internet...
they weren't actors in a movie or tv show--
they were PEOPLE.
people with stories and lives,
people with histories and presents and futures,
with breath in their lungs
who eat, and sleep, and bleed.

they are HUMAN.
and humanity is messy.

humanity...
is
messy.

we love imperfectly,
we hate intensely,
we live, we die.
every.
single.
one of us.

i've been struggling with my own messiness lately.
existence, truly,
is a messy business.

emotions wage war against logic and rationality
in the battle for king;
and i struggle with "balance" in all things.
[all things? i struggle with balance in anything.]
which can be dangerous ground to tread on.

i'm still in the middle of a solitary type of season in life,
and when i'm not beating a bruised fist
onto the proverbial chest of Christ asking for it to end
[i crave community.
perhaps more than i've ever craved community in my life]
i'm finding lots of time with myself.
and frankly, i'm not always good company.

while it's been freeing to learn more about myself
and to become comfortable in my own skin--
to learn what makes me tick,
my likes&dislikes,
passions and pet peeves...
i had found myself settling into a kind of comfort with who i am.

listening to a sermon the other day,
and it was said, and i'm paraphrasing...
that we need to repent of our personalities.

if my goal is to look like Christ,
then perhaps it doesn't matter what makes me tick.
or what my likes&dislikes are,
or my passions and pet peeves.
getting down to basics/basics/basics:

my heart should beat for what His beats for.
if i'm comfortable,
it's because i've stopped striving for Christlikeness.
[the process of sanctification, by nature,
is an uncomfortable one.]
by spending so much time learning about [me]...
other things get neglected,
and before i know it, i've made myself my own idol.

in an increasingly egotistical, self-centered, desensitized society...
[myself of course being more than included]
we have placed ourselves on the tallest pedestal in our lives,
and relegated Christ to the cobwebs and the shadows,
from which we occasionally remove Him when we have need of Him.
generally only when we need our own selfish motivations fulfilled.

i
am
messy.

humanity
is messy.

His own Church
is messy.

and knowing that we would be,
He still uttered those words
that spun the whole world into motion:
"Let there be light."

----------

xoxo.