in which i stress myself out to the point of a near-panic attack
worrying about things that don't matter
[at least...they don't matter yet].
having signed up today for classes for next semester
at the local community college,
i could hear the proverbial clock ticking in my ear
with the inevitable
"you don't know what you'll possibly major in,
and you don't know where you'll get your degree from"
which then turns into
WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??!
what follows is several hours of blurry-eyed staring at the computer screen
and possible career options.
it's absolutely ridiculous.
i will then neglect aforementioned stressed-out researching
until the next time i am inevitably faced with the potential to make a large decision--
read: beginning of the next semester.
at that point i will realize that i am moving forward,
but in which direction i have no idea...
...thus jumpstarting another freakout moment
much like the one i find myself in today.
on one hand, i completely trust that everything will kind of fall together,
but God is good,
and He's a big God...and He knows better the desires of my heart
[not to mention the things He's created me for!]
than i do, so really...He'll lead me in the direction He has for me.
on the other hand, i really really like specifics.
like, i really like specifics.
and my current place in life
has no specifics
do i need more detail than that?
do i want more detail than that?
ohhhhhhhh my goshhhhhhh
ughhhga sgbwgw tlkhbalg.ww.
glad i got that out of my system.
don't get me wrong--
i like the taste of the stuff,
but it's more because i can feel my body wanting to revolt against me,
and it's simmering just under the surface.
[i can feel it! ah!]
with a not-quite stuffy nose
and waking up feeling slightly achy the past few mornings,
i'm attempting to stave off a cold before it can get the better of me--
this means orange juice, emergen-c and lots of chicken noodle soup.
yes, before i'm REALLY sick.
the leaves are really starting to fall now, and it makes me sad.
the colors have been great lately,
and had the weather been more cooperative,
i can only imagine that i'd have incredible photos to show for it...
it has been gray and dreary and rainy,
which does not equal optimal picture-taking weather.
[but the contrast of gray fall clouds against brilliant yellow trees is striking! promise.]
but falling leaves means soon there will be bare trees...
and it's just sad.
i'm not a huge fan of winter,
only because it lasts so long.
winter is beautiful in its own right,
but in michigan they just last sooooo loooonnngggg.
AND there were the beginnings of Christmas decorations up in target today.
can't we just BE in the season we're in, right now?
haha, i say that like i live in the here and now.
but i'm learning!
i'm learning patience.
and hard work.
annnnnd i have muchos thoughts on patience,
that i'm hoping to type all out later.
"we have only to be patient, to pray, and to do His will, according to our present light and strength, and the growth of the soul will go on. the plant grows in the mist and under clouds as truly as under sunshine; so does the heavenly principle within. "
-william ellery channing
hope. believing better things for detroit. fighting, struggling, wrestling with things bigger than us, but believing in One bigger than it all.new car. made-in-michigan-and-unbelievably-proud-of-it-car. first major financial purchase...realizing i just may be an adult, for real.
car rides. family time. dad saying innappropriate things, only to be countered by an even more innappropriate brother. ghetto rap music. family sing-a-longs to all things journey.
brother/sister. laughing laughing laaaauggghhhinnnggg. long talks. meijer runs at 2 am. drama. we're never short of drama.
the upper peninsula. dipping toes in lake superior. seeing all five great lakes [check that off the bucket list. check.] smoothies at a hole-in-the-wall coffee shop that'll change your life.
this doesn't even need explanation.
so long, summer--
until we meet again.
hello hello, loving it.
well...not so much loving the seemingly unstoppable rain,
or the threatening gray clouds that mean
6 months of dreariness...
but for now,
i'm loving colder weather
[hello hoodies! and scarves and sweaters]
and warm tea and hot apple cider,
and changing leaves and wonderrrr.
i love michigan.
and i guess to people that aren't from michigan,
it makes absolutely no sense,
especially because in MOST people's opinions
michigan = detroit.
and let's be real, detroit has a not-so-stellar track record in the public eye,
accompanied by a pretty nasty reputation
[that, frankly, it lives up to. often.]
but i love it still.
thinking it all through the other day,
if it's true that i was born into THIS specific time in history
in THIS specific locale in the world
[down to the last number in my zip code!]
it then remains true
that there must be something about the now
and something about the here
that i'm supposed to learn from.
so i've been spending time thinking that through,
especially in a political and economic climate that screams for me
to abandon the D
and to move somewhere that makes more "sense"
[whatever that even means]
but i can't.
and i don't know if it's because it's "comfortable" and i've grown complacent
or what have you
or if it's because my heart is still here
and i still have things to learn...
but you'd better believe my near-obsessive tendency to
analyze, to sort, to glean something from where i am and what i'm doing
will at some point result in some knowledge and wisdom
fall is here!
and homework and loveliness.
i've spent time recently in borders
[shoutout to businesses founded in the metro-detroit area!]
drinking my hazelnut toffee mocha coffeecoffeecoffeeeee
and listening to soundtracks while i write papers
and take notes
and do schoolwork.
surrounded by BOOKS
which make me feel alive.
you don't have to get it.
but it's the honest truth.
fall is here.
seasons are channnggginnngggg.
can you feel it?